I don't have to be convinced nor do I have to convince anyone else that I'm in love. I've truly, only been in love with one woman my entire life and the more I try to think that will change the less it does. I love who she was, who she is and who she is becoming, probably because I love her at her core; who she really is without any sham, outside influences or bullshit! I've been deeply hurt by her and I got really angry like never before in my life and I scared myself and vowed never to allow myself to drink like that again where my emotions were out of control. Her love, respect and friendship are of the utmost value in my life.

I have no desire to date, I'm not a dater, I'm a lifer, and I will love her for life. Wherever our relationship goes from here is up to her and God. I just know there is not a day I don't wish I was waking up by her side. I miss her, and I miss my kids. Funny how the things that made you nuts when you didn't know how to figure it out, suddenly when it didn't matter if you figured it out, you realized how much you really did want and miss. I prayed for her and family, but pressures at that time made me stupid. God can I please have a do over?

Have you ever been in love, I mean really in love, like you couldn't imagine your life without that certain someone once you found each other? Well, have they ever decided to move on, and you were still at that point of unbelief, shock, and general nausea like you think you're gonna die, hope you will, but sure you won't feeling?

I have been there. The past two and a half years have been fraught with pain, anger, mostly at myself, weight loss, sleepless nights, and a lot of life lessons about what love is and what it isn't. I still care very much for the object of my affection, and she for me, but at this time we are choosing to be friends rather than totally removing ourselves from each others lives. I think that's mature, and for me healthier than life without her.

Yesterday it occurred to me that I have not really moved toward any of the things I feel very passionately I am to do. I had started writing another book, which is now in limbo. I had a few ministry ideas that also are hanging in the balance waiting on something, someone, I think maybe me. I thought it was her, but my latest thought is love is kind of like the old expression about crying over spilled milk. Once the milk is spilled, you can do your best to clean it up, and if possible enjoy some more, or you can leave it, cry when it sours, and never have milk again.

I had kinda done the latter for a minute. I really wanted her to want me, but now, I see the importance of me cleaning up the mess I made! If we can be friends, I want that! I must, however, get on with MY LIFE. I see that there are people who need me. There are things that each of us bring to the table from our life experiences that may help someone. I know I've been exceedingly blessed with some wonderful teaching that has helped me become the person I am. Not to say I am perfect, but I have learned more about what God, love, and life are about then some people learn in their entire life. It has made me more patient, and less quick to judge. I've always had a heart for hurting people, but now I realize that most of us are in some state of recovery. We all carry stuff from our childhood, relationships, jobs, churches, and either people who have put unrealistic expectations on us or unfulfilled expectations we've had regarding our lives and the people in them.  

NOW, I have to move NOW! Frankly, I'm tired of being in this self-imposed holding pattern. Life is to be lived, and I've just been existing waiting for someone to clean up the spilled milk. Guess it will have to be me.