There's been a huge cosmic shift in the universe, well, at least my universe! I realize that what the Book of Proverbs says in the verse, "a merry heart does good like a medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones", is so true. I've struggled for years with aches and pains from old injuries, but the ache I've carried the last two and a half years from what I call the Human Wars, has been unparalleled. It has affected my health mentally and physically and weight more than I can express. On my way home yesterday after visiting with my former partner and sharing about the extended family, I felt this sigh of relief like a load had been lifted. I knew in my spirit, heart and mind I would always love her and them deeply, but I was finally free from that excruciating, nearly debilitating grief that accompanied our breakup. So much happened  in the last five years, and last two and a half where the on again-off again, she loves me, she loves me not or God NO, she loves her drama nearly did me in. Did you hear me? I said, "I'm FREE!" not a ,"Yea, I'm FREE." where I'm glad to be done, no, quite the opposite. I'm glad she is happy, my kids/her kids are safe, and for the most part trying to get their lives together. I'm glad my grandbabies are good, and finally I'm at peace with all of it. It has taken so long for me to get to this point. I was thrilled to finally be in love when we came together in 2006, it truly was beautiful!!! I didn't want to let her or the kids go, despite the hard stuff. But now that we are all getting in a better place, and we are learning how to be really good friends and enjoy and support each other from a comfortable distance, its good. Some loves are not forever, but some are. Some friends are not forever, but some are. Thankfully, we have both, but on a different level than before and I'm good with that at last. What does the old hymn say? "It Is Well With My Soul". Indeed. 

Many years ago there was a song that said simply, "What a Difference a Day Makes". Perspective is really the key. Yesterday was good, even though parts of it seemed quite the opposite. As a friend put it, "Shift happens!" For most of us we choose to take out the "f" and it becomes worse because of our choice. Clarity has come with shift; it's time to move on, to refocus on my dreams, to remember what they were/are. Time, I guess will heal old wounds. Life awaits me. I'm ready, past ready. Hello Life! Hello Vision! Now is the time!

Moving From Foolishness to Faith

There was a song years ago, I think Linda Ronstadt sang called, "I'm Not Lisa". The idea behind it was our tendency to compare especially in new relationships our current person with the previous. This is not cool and also not fair. We do this in many things, not just our love relationships, but friendships and even more tragically our faith.  When people, even and especially "church people" or preachers, God tends to get blamed and every other church, pastor or believer is compared to the one who did the damage by rush to judgment, holier than thou mentality or the extreme of thinking everyone is going to hell but them.

As for the relationship part, in my youth, I never played it safe. Till I hit 30 I thought people were notches on my belt. I felt very proud and was sure with my looks, singing voice and overall moxie that I WAS the Shit! When I got into an incredible auto accident and was almost killed, suffered some horrible injuries to my legs, my neck and right arm, I felt like I had been given a second chance to get it right. I always loved God, though I wondered at times if He loved me.

See, I knew at the age of 4 that I was gay. I didn't know what to call it, I just remember as far back as I can remember which is about 3 that I was always attracted to women. I'm not talking that kid type crush on someone you want to grow up to be like, but mine was always someone I wanted to be with even before I knew what sex was, I just wanted to be with or around women. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a man hater! I have some wonderful friends that are guys and I have a wonderful father that was probably the best role model any kid could have of a loyal, devoted husband and provider for our family and totally in love with my mother for 48 years of marriage till her death at 64 from a brain tumor.

Following the car accident and a few years later my mother's death, I did play it safe, didn't date anyone, or even think about being with anyone. I relocated to the Atlanta Metro area knowing it was a God thing, but little did I know all He had planned. I was brought up in so much tradition, literally dipped and dyed in it! Tried going to Bible College (Seminary), but when it became clear to them that I was gay, I was out! Tradition tends to judge or dismiss anything it doesn't understand or that is unlike itself, or that it can't control!

After a couple of years at a good church, purely by accident I found the ministry that I was called here for and the message that would set me free. The message was not about judgment but LOVE. Most of my life I've been in church but other than the little song, "Jesus Loves Me", love is not something you hear much about. I was so thankful to finally find a place that didn't just talk about the love of God but actually displayed the love of God to everyone not just regular parishioners or high rollers or regular tithers. Wow! what a concept! Seemed a lot like Jesus meeting people where they were and loving them despite any real or perceived imperfections.

Once I got there it was clear this was a place I could be my true self. I'd never really, officially come out, never met anyone that I wanted to let the world know I was in love with. Hell, I'd never been in love, only in lust. I met her through a friend. At the time she was attending another church, which she grew up in, another one of those fundamental churches that desires clones not true believers. Drawn by the message she heard from our mutual friend she started coming with her kids to worship with us. She caught my attention immediately. Little did I know what she would come to mean to me. Nearly a year later, during the praise and worship part of the service our Bishop asked everyone to go to someone with a word of encouragement; she came to me and really gave me a word, and I broke down and cried like a baby. within months we were in a couple of ministries together and planned to meet one night to collaborate on a poem. It really turned out to be our first date, the beginning of a nearly 6 year relationship, my  and her eventual coming out, and a continued struggle to now be friends since she is in another relationship.

Through a few years of some major external crap, many years of carrying and trying to let go of major baggage both of us and the kids had carried, we finally met our breaking point and she left. She met someone else and I realized she was the first woman I had really loved. it's been 2 1/2 years since we initially split, but for me it's still hard. She's happy, I'm alive. Still working on happy without her. We talk and occasionally take the youngest to see a movie together. Who knows? All I can do is walk it out, at least that's what she tells me to do. I still can't look at anybody else, don't want to compare them, because she's phenomenal! Really want to wake up everyday to someone who wants to be with my crazy ass regardless of everything. I'm not perfect, no one is, but God. I'm not Lisa, and no one else is Natalie.

Love God. Love your neighbor. Let God work out the rest. 

Independence Day!

It is a wonderful day to be alive! Tomorrow we celebrate our Independence and I think that our founding fathers never dreamed that the freedoms they fought for when they came here from England would still be issues for some 237 years after they signed the Declaration of Independence. Those famous words, "ALL men were created equal", are they really? Is it just men or does that include women as well? Is this equality based on age or ethnicity or religion? Liberty that is NOT for ALL is NOT LIBERTY at all.

The older I get the more I appreciate my freedom. The more value my life, my family, my friends, my faith, my health, in short everything. Every day has something to marvel at and be thankful for, even just the fact that I woke up, and have another chance to make a difference.

I am a very private person, I love easy and I love hard, and I love long. The sad thing is many people I have really loved never knew how much they impacted my life, and some people I really wanted in my life I didn't let them know until they were virtually gone from it. Whatever you do, celebrate your liberty, celebrate the people that make your life and your world special, and by all means possible forgive and coexist with ALL humans, even if you don't understand them, they are here by divine assignment just like you, and we are all on a journey to find out what our assignment is and to fulfill it. If you could help everyone, God would not have sent anyone else, but He chose many varied people from many races and walks of life. We are ALL so valuable, and we need to listen and learn from each other. This great melting pot called America is made up of people from all seven continents. When we learn from others, we find how much we have in common.

Love your life and the people in it; let them know their value, realize your own value, and celebrate FREEDOM, it's a wonderful thing that many gave their lives for. Don't let their lives be in vain.