As for the relationship part, in my youth, I never played it safe. Till I hit 30 I thought people were notches on my belt. I felt very proud and was sure with my looks, singing voice and overall moxie that I WAS the Shit! When I got into an incredible auto accident and was almost killed, suffered some horrible injuries to my legs, my neck and right arm, I felt like I had been given a second chance to get it right. I always loved God, though I wondered at times if He loved me.
See, I knew at the age of 4 that I was gay. I didn't know what to call it, I just remember as far back as I can remember which is about 3 that I was always attracted to women. I'm not talking that kid type crush on someone you want to grow up to be like, but mine was always someone I wanted to be with even before I knew what sex was, I just wanted to be with or around women. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a man hater! I have some wonderful friends that are guys and I have a wonderful father that was probably the best role model any kid could have of a loyal, devoted husband and provider for our family and totally in love with my mother for 48 years of marriage till her death at 64 from a brain tumor.
Following the car accident and a few years later my mother's death, I did play it safe, didn't date anyone, or even think about being with anyone. I relocated to the Atlanta Metro area knowing it was a God thing, but little did I know all He had planned. I was brought up in so much tradition, literally dipped and dyed in it! Tried going to Bible College (Seminary), but when it became clear to them that I was gay, I was out! Tradition tends to judge or dismiss anything it doesn't understand or that is unlike itself, or that it can't control!
After a couple of years at a good church, purely by accident I found the ministry that I was called here for and the message that would set me free. The message was not about judgment but LOVE. Most of my life I've been in church but other than the little song, "Jesus Loves Me", love is not something you hear much about. I was so thankful to finally find a place that didn't just talk about the love of God but actually displayed the love of God to everyone not just regular parishioners or high rollers or regular tithers. Wow! what a concept! Seemed a lot like Jesus meeting people where they were and loving them despite any real or perceived imperfections.
Once I got there it was clear this was a place I could be my true self. I'd never really, officially come out, never met anyone that I wanted to let the world know I was in love with. Hell, I'd never been in love, only in lust. I met her through a friend. At the time she was attending another church, which she grew up in, another one of those fundamental churches that desires clones not true believers. Drawn by the message she heard from our mutual friend she started coming with her kids to worship with us. She caught my attention immediately. Little did I know what she would come to mean to me. Nearly a year later, during the praise and worship part of the service our Bishop asked everyone to go to someone with a word of encouragement; she came to me and really gave me a word, and I broke down and cried like a baby. within months we were in a couple of ministries together and planned to meet one night to collaborate on a poem. It really turned out to be our first date, the beginning of a nearly 6 year relationship, my and her eventual coming out, and a continued struggle to now be friends since she is in another relationship.
Through a few years of some major external crap, many years of carrying and trying to let go of major baggage both of us and the kids had carried, we finally met our breaking point and she left. She met someone else and I realized she was the first woman I had really loved. it's been 2 1/2 years since we initially split, but for me it's still hard. She's happy, I'm alive. Still working on happy without her. We talk and occasionally take the youngest to see a movie together. Who knows? All I can do is walk it out, at least that's what she tells me to do. I still can't look at anybody else, don't want to compare them, because she's phenomenal! Really want to wake up everyday to someone who wants to be with my crazy ass regardless of everything. I'm not perfect, no one is, but God. I'm not Lisa, and no one else is Natalie.
Love God. Love your neighbor. Let God work out the rest.
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