Friends,

It has been like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride the last few months since I have posted. I am proverbially attempting to get back on the horse. Here goes...

I plan to have a Merry Christmas and hope you all do too.

Writing is getting back on track slowly and 2014 proves to be awesome.

If there is one thing I know for sure it's the fact that I am here for a divine purpose. Really, if you are reading this, you are too. My Mom used to say, "God don't make no junk". While she would say it quite tongue in cheek, because she spoke very properly, that made it all the more pointed. I would add to that, God makes no mistakes! Often we don't understand when we are in the midst of something that there can be any good or benefit to the struggle, the pain or the loss that life may sometimes bring our way. We have become the microwave generation, and don't realize that not all good things happen quick.

Quick things can fill, but not necessarily satisfy. Just like cheeses and wines are better with age, or spaghetti and chili is better the next day, there are lessons in life and the value of some people and things after we have walked this road a bit or studied them a while.

We don't always learn what it is we are to do here overnight. I literally went through my own hell on earth, got in a horrible car accident that almost took my life, found part of my purpose, waited nearly 20 years, finally fell in love with who I thought was the woman I would spend my life with, lost her, went through another, longer, hell on earth, lost 30 pounds, ended up in the hospital for 3 days due to stress, and now again I am finding out more of why I am here.

Life and love are marvelous; I want to do it again, next time with abandon, but I also want to be  and do the things God created me for. There are so many people who need to know what I know. I am not brilliant, but I have been blessed to sit and learn from some pretty amazing men and women of God who are. I've been in this Boot Camp learning who the Real Jesus is and I know there are some things I been given to say and to do to help others. If any of it can help someone to get through a tough time faster or easier than I did, I'm glad to do it. That's what its all about isn't it? "Love God...Love your neighbor!"

There's been a huge cosmic shift in the universe, well, at least my universe! I realize that what the Book of Proverbs says in the verse, "a merry heart does good like a medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones", is so true. I've struggled for years with aches and pains from old injuries, but the ache I've carried the last two and a half years from what I call the Human Wars, has been unparalleled. It has affected my health mentally and physically and weight more than I can express. On my way home yesterday after visiting with my former partner and sharing about the extended family, I felt this sigh of relief like a load had been lifted. I knew in my spirit, heart and mind I would always love her and them deeply, but I was finally free from that excruciating, nearly debilitating grief that accompanied our breakup. So much happened  in the last five years, and last two and a half where the on again-off again, she loves me, she loves me not or God NO, she loves her drama nearly did me in. Did you hear me? I said, "I'm FREE!" not a ,"Yea, I'm FREE." where I'm glad to be done, no, quite the opposite. I'm glad she is happy, my kids/her kids are safe, and for the most part trying to get their lives together. I'm glad my grandbabies are good, and finally I'm at peace with all of it. It has taken so long for me to get to this point. I was thrilled to finally be in love when we came together in 2006, it truly was beautiful!!! I didn't want to let her or the kids go, despite the hard stuff. But now that we are all getting in a better place, and we are learning how to be really good friends and enjoy and support each other from a comfortable distance, its good. Some loves are not forever, but some are. Some friends are not forever, but some are. Thankfully, we have both, but on a different level than before and I'm good with that at last. What does the old hymn say? "It Is Well With My Soul". Indeed. 

Many years ago there was a song that said simply, "What a Difference a Day Makes". Perspective is really the key. Yesterday was good, even though parts of it seemed quite the opposite. As a friend put it, "Shift happens!" For most of us we choose to take out the "f" and it becomes worse because of our choice. Clarity has come with shift; it's time to move on, to refocus on my dreams, to remember what they were/are. Time, I guess will heal old wounds. Life awaits me. I'm ready, past ready. Hello Life! Hello Vision! Now is the time!

Moving From Foolishness to Faith

There was a song years ago, I think Linda Ronstadt sang called, "I'm Not Lisa". The idea behind it was our tendency to compare especially in new relationships our current person with the previous. This is not cool and also not fair. We do this in many things, not just our love relationships, but friendships and even more tragically our faith.  When people, even and especially "church people" or preachers, God tends to get blamed and every other church, pastor or believer is compared to the one who did the damage by rush to judgment, holier than thou mentality or the extreme of thinking everyone is going to hell but them.

As for the relationship part, in my youth, I never played it safe. Till I hit 30 I thought people were notches on my belt. I felt very proud and was sure with my looks, singing voice and overall moxie that I WAS the Shit! When I got into an incredible auto accident and was almost killed, suffered some horrible injuries to my legs, my neck and right arm, I felt like I had been given a second chance to get it right. I always loved God, though I wondered at times if He loved me.

See, I knew at the age of 4 that I was gay. I didn't know what to call it, I just remember as far back as I can remember which is about 3 that I was always attracted to women. I'm not talking that kid type crush on someone you want to grow up to be like, but mine was always someone I wanted to be with even before I knew what sex was, I just wanted to be with or around women. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a man hater! I have some wonderful friends that are guys and I have a wonderful father that was probably the best role model any kid could have of a loyal, devoted husband and provider for our family and totally in love with my mother for 48 years of marriage till her death at 64 from a brain tumor.

Following the car accident and a few years later my mother's death, I did play it safe, didn't date anyone, or even think about being with anyone. I relocated to the Atlanta Metro area knowing it was a God thing, but little did I know all He had planned. I was brought up in so much tradition, literally dipped and dyed in it! Tried going to Bible College (Seminary), but when it became clear to them that I was gay, I was out! Tradition tends to judge or dismiss anything it doesn't understand or that is unlike itself, or that it can't control!

After a couple of years at a good church, purely by accident I found the ministry that I was called here for and the message that would set me free. The message was not about judgment but LOVE. Most of my life I've been in church but other than the little song, "Jesus Loves Me", love is not something you hear much about. I was so thankful to finally find a place that didn't just talk about the love of God but actually displayed the love of God to everyone not just regular parishioners or high rollers or regular tithers. Wow! what a concept! Seemed a lot like Jesus meeting people where they were and loving them despite any real or perceived imperfections.

Once I got there it was clear this was a place I could be my true self. I'd never really, officially come out, never met anyone that I wanted to let the world know I was in love with. Hell, I'd never been in love, only in lust. I met her through a friend. At the time she was attending another church, which she grew up in, another one of those fundamental churches that desires clones not true believers. Drawn by the message she heard from our mutual friend she started coming with her kids to worship with us. She caught my attention immediately. Little did I know what she would come to mean to me. Nearly a year later, during the praise and worship part of the service our Bishop asked everyone to go to someone with a word of encouragement; she came to me and really gave me a word, and I broke down and cried like a baby. within months we were in a couple of ministries together and planned to meet one night to collaborate on a poem. It really turned out to be our first date, the beginning of a nearly 6 year relationship, my  and her eventual coming out, and a continued struggle to now be friends since she is in another relationship.

Through a few years of some major external crap, many years of carrying and trying to let go of major baggage both of us and the kids had carried, we finally met our breaking point and she left. She met someone else and I realized she was the first woman I had really loved. it's been 2 1/2 years since we initially split, but for me it's still hard. She's happy, I'm alive. Still working on happy without her. We talk and occasionally take the youngest to see a movie together. Who knows? All I can do is walk it out, at least that's what she tells me to do. I still can't look at anybody else, don't want to compare them, because she's phenomenal! Really want to wake up everyday to someone who wants to be with my crazy ass regardless of everything. I'm not perfect, no one is, but God. I'm not Lisa, and no one else is Natalie.

Love God. Love your neighbor. Let God work out the rest. 

Independence Day!

It is a wonderful day to be alive! Tomorrow we celebrate our Independence and I think that our founding fathers never dreamed that the freedoms they fought for when they came here from England would still be issues for some 237 years after they signed the Declaration of Independence. Those famous words, "ALL men were created equal", are they really? Is it just men or does that include women as well? Is this equality based on age or ethnicity or religion? Liberty that is NOT for ALL is NOT LIBERTY at all.

The older I get the more I appreciate my freedom. The more value my life, my family, my friends, my faith, my health, in short everything. Every day has something to marvel at and be thankful for, even just the fact that I woke up, and have another chance to make a difference.

I am a very private person, I love easy and I love hard, and I love long. The sad thing is many people I have really loved never knew how much they impacted my life, and some people I really wanted in my life I didn't let them know until they were virtually gone from it. Whatever you do, celebrate your liberty, celebrate the people that make your life and your world special, and by all means possible forgive and coexist with ALL humans, even if you don't understand them, they are here by divine assignment just like you, and we are all on a journey to find out what our assignment is and to fulfill it. If you could help everyone, God would not have sent anyone else, but He chose many varied people from many races and walks of life. We are ALL so valuable, and we need to listen and learn from each other. This great melting pot called America is made up of people from all seven continents. When we learn from others, we find how much we have in common.

Love your life and the people in it; let them know their value, realize your own value, and celebrate FREEDOM, it's a wonderful thing that many gave their lives for. Don't let their lives be in vain.

I don't have to be convinced nor do I have to convince anyone else that I'm in love. I've truly, only been in love with one woman my entire life and the more I try to think that will change the less it does. I love who she was, who she is and who she is becoming, probably because I love her at her core; who she really is without any sham, outside influences or bullshit! I've been deeply hurt by her and I got really angry like never before in my life and I scared myself and vowed never to allow myself to drink like that again where my emotions were out of control. Her love, respect and friendship are of the utmost value in my life.

I have no desire to date, I'm not a dater, I'm a lifer, and I will love her for life. Wherever our relationship goes from here is up to her and God. I just know there is not a day I don't wish I was waking up by her side. I miss her, and I miss my kids. Funny how the things that made you nuts when you didn't know how to figure it out, suddenly when it didn't matter if you figured it out, you realized how much you really did want and miss. I prayed for her and family, but pressures at that time made me stupid. God can I please have a do over?

Have you ever been in love, I mean really in love, like you couldn't imagine your life without that certain someone once you found each other? Well, have they ever decided to move on, and you were still at that point of unbelief, shock, and general nausea like you think you're gonna die, hope you will, but sure you won't feeling?

I have been there. The past two and a half years have been fraught with pain, anger, mostly at myself, weight loss, sleepless nights, and a lot of life lessons about what love is and what it isn't. I still care very much for the object of my affection, and she for me, but at this time we are choosing to be friends rather than totally removing ourselves from each others lives. I think that's mature, and for me healthier than life without her.

Yesterday it occurred to me that I have not really moved toward any of the things I feel very passionately I am to do. I had started writing another book, which is now in limbo. I had a few ministry ideas that also are hanging in the balance waiting on something, someone, I think maybe me. I thought it was her, but my latest thought is love is kind of like the old expression about crying over spilled milk. Once the milk is spilled, you can do your best to clean it up, and if possible enjoy some more, or you can leave it, cry when it sours, and never have milk again.

I had kinda done the latter for a minute. I really wanted her to want me, but now, I see the importance of me cleaning up the mess I made! If we can be friends, I want that! I must, however, get on with MY LIFE. I see that there are people who need me. There are things that each of us bring to the table from our life experiences that may help someone. I know I've been exceedingly blessed with some wonderful teaching that has helped me become the person I am. Not to say I am perfect, but I have learned more about what God, love, and life are about then some people learn in their entire life. It has made me more patient, and less quick to judge. I've always had a heart for hurting people, but now I realize that most of us are in some state of recovery. We all carry stuff from our childhood, relationships, jobs, churches, and either people who have put unrealistic expectations on us or unfulfilled expectations we've had regarding our lives and the people in them.  

NOW, I have to move NOW! Frankly, I'm tired of being in this self-imposed holding pattern. Life is to be lived, and I've just been existing waiting for someone to clean up the spilled milk. Guess it will have to be me.

It's raining in the ATL, supposed to all weekend with cooler temps and everywhere I turn I hear of weather out of season. Potential 18 inches of snow for Minnesota, parts of the Midwest have had 80 degree temps this past week and there have been others. Call it global warming, but I really think it is the earth in birth pangs for the Sons of God to be revealed. I think we forget that would be referring to us. Christ came to make us the Sons of God; to be King of kings and Lord of lords, so we would be in that god class with Him, doing all things through Him when we allow Him to rule and reign in our lives and decisions, nothing is impossible.

I'd like to think these unusual happenings in the natural world around us will prepare us to look for unexpected things in the spirit world around us. Call them miracles or what have you, but God is wanting to show off for His children if we just give Him a chance and remember to thank Him for it.

I'm amazed that every time I post here, which isn't so much lately that something significant has happened in the cosmos or at least in my part of the universe. Life truly is a journey. When you get on the road, you can try to map your way, even if its a path you think feels somewhat familiar you can lose your way or get turned around. Especially in the dark, I know my sense of direction is not as sharp.

Day after day sometimes its quiet. On our side. God, however, never slumbers or sleeps, He is forever working on the behalf of those that love Him. He even works on behalf of those that don't. God is always reaching out to us, loving us, wooing us, and graciously working things out for our good. Yes, He hopes we will realize it was Him and praise Him, but He does it just because like a loving Father, He made us and wants our best.

Sometimes I notice I am like an ungrateful teenager, very full of myself, very oblivious to anything or anyone but my agenda. OMG!!! I saw this yesterday, and had to remark to myself and God," I must get past this."
If there is one thing I have learned in my years on the planet it is that when I feel the most alone, God is right there. Also, when I think I really need people, I really need Him.

Life never seems right if we are just merely going through the motions, whether its with our spouse/partner, or especially in our walk with God. I've said so much here about love and commitment, but I really need to focus on  my heart toward God. If I do that first my heart toward my partner whoever she may be, for right now on my journey, it does not appear it will be Natalie, but I'm trying to get my heart right for even us being friends and perhaps still accomplishing as friends some of the things we were called to do together. We have always been from a different tribe of people; people who have covenant that surpasses what other people are accustomed to or have known in their relationships. Most people tend to treat their family, friends and covenant relationships like fast food; quick and cheap and throw away. I have never been that way and thankfully Natalie isn't either.

I love hard and I love forever. Here I am Lord, use me as you see fit, the answer is still YES!!!

Love is a wonderful thing and it messes your whole world up at the same time. One thing for sure is you know that before it and without it you just merely exist. That's kinda where I am right now. Don't now if this is the right venue or if I'll further alienate some people, but here goes.

I was once accused of treating someone I dearly, totally love with ever fiber of my being like she was a dirty little secret. Might I say, I don't think to anyone who knows me at all that she is secret. Yes, damn it, I mean Natalie!

When we separated, so much had happened, life had kicked our ass, funerals, finances, jobs, stuff, well at least it kicked mine. I didn't handle all the change and loss well, I didn't communicate well and it gave an opportunity for someone else to come in. Since then I have existed; lost 40+ lbs and been in the hospital for 3 days due to stress, lost at least one job I'm sure of because we were a couple. I think there was another earlier on, though I can't prove it, but that was no secret either. I thoroughly acknowledge my failure and weakness as a human being, but as for loving forever this one woman, I will not apologize. Yes, damn it, I mean Natalie!

My grandmother passed the year we got together at the age of 91. My grandfather passed 49 years earlier from a heart attack. She dated, but never married again, never loved again enough to give her heart as at the first, I feel the same. I know some people think I'm crazy, but frankly my dear Scarlet, I don't give a damn, they don't know her, what I feel , and can't stop feeling for her and the kids. We're family, she's home for me, that's all I know.

The human failings I can't undo. I wish life and love and family came with a learning curve, especially at 50 for my first true "outing", I needed one. I had only come out to my Bishop privately a year prior. When she and I met and got together, everyone was happy but somewhat surprised, but happy for me, for us. She is beautiful, talented, we share many things in common interests; we seemed the perfect couple... I think we were. Once the dust settled I hoped she'd be there. Well, as stories have it, I don't think this one is over yet and I pray for the happily ever after with her. Yes, damn it, I mean Natalie!

Do you know You were chosen by God before the foundation of the world? Do you know he saw you and created all that is to share with you? Do you know He saw you in your Mother's womb and formed everything about you and He called all of it good? You are so amazing! There is no one like you. No one walks like you, talks like you, writes like you, has your fingerprint, or exact DNA or unique gifting. In fact there are people in your sphere of influence that you can touch in a way like no other. Your life so matters for that reason and so many others. Have a wonderful day thinking about how loved you are. When you breathe remember the God who loves you feels each breath.

I posted this today on Facebook, and it's worth posting here:

"Life is a journey, out of darkness into light and sometimes into more darkness or pain only to find more light and to find that God was there all the time weaving our pain into a garment of praise." Beth Rehbein

It's not officially Spring yet, but there are Robin's and flowers, and budding trees, and new baby deer I saw the other day that are wonderfully clueless and yet I pray for their safety, because not everyone will speak kindly to them and tell them not to be afraid. Sadly, some people are not kind and cannot be trusted to not hurt the tender and innocent, and seemingly foolish.

I keep this page background because even in the darkness of winter, either the season itself or the season of the soul that I am finally coming out of, it gives me a hope for new life. I am such a dreamer and idealist, always hoping there is the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, or light at the end of the tunnel or whatever ray of sunshine could be I am grasping for it in my heart and mind, even if it appears that I'm not.

In matters of the heart I am equally simple, and inexperienced and therefore very trusting and with it a huge romantic, believing in the love at first sight, and love for a lifetime ideal. Corny, maybe, but I can't believe that the whole world has ceased to believe in love and call it fairy tales.

In a minute when the sun shines bright, and the chill is off the air, my new love will be here. I can't wait, God always gives the best gifts. I am truly thankful for my life up to this point. I would not exchange all the wonderful memories, the good and the hard. I will not call them bad, for they all are working to make me a better, more patient, more kind, more giving individual. I love all my family, blood, and extended, forever, that's who I am. You have been such a vital part of my journey and I adore you, truly.

God, forever I am yours. Have your way!

Song of Solomon 8:6-7

King James Version (KJV)

⁶ Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.
⁷ Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned.

The Message (MSG)
Hang my locket around your neck,
    wear my ring on your finger.
Love is invincible facing danger and death.
    Passion laughs at the terrors of hell.
The fire of love stops at nothing—
    it sweeps everything before it.
Flood waters can’t drown love,
    torrents of rain can’t put it out.
Love can’t be bought, love can’t be sold—
    it’s not to be found in the marketplace.

The heart is the seat of emotion (life flows from our heartbeat)
The arm is the seat of our strength/power.
Love outlast anything and is even stronger than death and the grave, even I Corinthians 13 says the greatest is love. The seal like a piece of jewelry which one wears close to their heart, with love and faithfulness being the desire.   

You have held me in limbo for these two plus years now and I have let you,

Call it infatuation, call it imagination, call it obsession, and call it whatever,

My every thought waking or sleeping has circled around you in some form or fashion,

I have been reeling from it to the point of exhaustion; I’ve lost weight, lost sleep,

And at times thought I would lose my mind, but I’m still here, and sadly you are not,

I have prayed and cried, and pleaded, decreed, declared, released, prayed, God’s will be done,

So at this point since I know He loves us both, I have to believe that this is the best thing.

Love and commitment at least in my view requires more,

It isn’t necessarily 24/7 attention, but sometimes it is,

It isn’t 24/7 patience, but sometimes it is,

It isn’t 24/7 forgiveness, but sometimes it is.

Everyone’s path is different, and we must each walk our own at our own pace

If by grace we are blessed to walk alongside someone wonderful for a while

It is definitely worth enduring their humanity

To touch that spark of divinity inside that makes them truly unique, and of purpose in this world.

Some of us stumble getting to our purpose; some of us falter, fall or fail,

But if we are trying at all to please God and serve our fellow human beings

Some of that should be expected; after all we are flesh and blood.

I hope someday I get a chance to walk beside you once again, you are wonderful,

And I will miss the daily opportunity to talk and listen, and learn with you and from you,

Even the hard things taught me to appreciate and be thankful for every gift God gives,

If they are brief they are more precious, and sometimes once you see it they are gone.

I pray to fulfill my 120, and hope that somewhere on this journey,

There will be another chapter titled, “You and I”.

This one seemed too short, and the love it seemed too strong, so perhaps there is another to be written Love can only hope and dream.

Take Care, my beauty, take care.

Dreams, purpose, passion, creativity take time and sometimes their messy, sometimes noisy even while the pruning, the molting, the grinding, the polishing and the refining of something so beautiful is in process. Maybe that the thing we don't see, we are still in process, I know we are not done; never believed for a moment we were done. God has told me many things, "Be patient, be a friend, love unconditionally, hang in there", but NEVER, " Give it up, walk away or get over it!" Funny about that I usually hear pretty clear. Don't think I'm wrong, my love is too strong, always has been. Crazy that people are afraid of what they don't understand, can't control, or that seems like work. I choose not to take the easy route, to settle or compromise. LOVE bears ALL things, believes ALL things, endures ALL things, hopes ALL things, and LOVE NEVER FAILS!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I am so jazzed about 2013! It is a fresh start, but more than that 13 is the Biblical number of Atonement. Wow! Jesus said, "It Is Finished!" When Atonement was made, the slate was wiped clean, whatever account had to be satisfied was, because He paid it ALL! We can enter in like innocent children, with eyes full of wonder for what God will do. I chose the picture at top because it reminds me of one scene from the great movies series, "The Matrix", so create your own reality!!!

I have a sign posted on my computer screen, so it's the first thing I see every morning and the last I see at night, it simply says: "God Amaze Me". I have opened the door for God to make my wildest dreams come true this year, and to use me in some incredible ways to use my gifts and talents to help, teach, minister, and  just basically to bless and speak into peoples' lives and make a difference.

I like the verse in Malachi 3:10, we tend to look at it regarding giving back to the church and ministry or something that has blessed us during the year. If we look at it as us being opened up as a window of blessing, that is even more exciting. Its great to receive, but even cooler to see ways to be a help to others and see what God does to bless you back for giving first. He always does it better than what I hope or possibly dream. Go on God, AMAZE ME! Use me, I open my life as a window for you to pour a blessing through all of 2013.